End The Pain
by JollyMolly
Summary: Trigger warning: self harm Jane suffers from nightmares and sleepless nights due to headaches. There's only one way to make it all go away. What would happen if Maura found out and decided to help her friend? Lots of drama, angst but also love Eventual Rizzles
1. Chapter 1

**Characters are not mine.**  
**Story deals with my own experiences and is part of my recovery.**

Jane couldn't sleep -again.  
Thoughts were racing in her head and caused a headache so severe, that she had already taken some pills.  
She had to make this stop. She had to silence her mind, she had to get all this pressure out of her head, she had to stop the pain.  
Crying, she sat up in her bed, her hands stroking through her hair.  
There was no other way, she had to do something, or she would be too exhausted to work the next day.  
Slowly she got up to walk to her bathroom. She didn't want to do this. She turned around several times, but in the end she entered the brightly lit room.  
Quickly, she got all of her tools together; the black towel, bandages, disinfection spray and her razor blades.  
Even though she lived alone, she was always afraid that someone might catch her doing it. She was ashamed by what she did to herself.  
Sobbing loudly she drew the blade across her thighs, feeling the pressure inside her head subsiding more and more with every red line she created.  
Her mind calmed down and although she hated herself for creating soon to be scars, she felt peaceful.  
She bandaged herself up and wiped away every trace of what she'd just done.

When she finally laid back in her bed, she slipped away into a dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Characters are not mine.**

The next morning began in a hurry.  
Jane had obviously gone deeper than she had planned to, and her pyjamas were bloodstained.  
In between putting them into the washer, checking her beddings and cleaning up herself, her phone rang.  
On the other end of the line was a concerned Korsak, asking her where she was.  
It was only then that it dawned her that she had an under cover assignment that day.  
Groaning she promised to be there as soon as possible and changed into a pair of light jeans and a blue shirt before leaving her apartment.  
Her assignment worked out quite well and in the afternoon she was able to track down their suspect and arrest him.  
He didn't go down without a fight, so Jane had to run after him, but in the end they had him in custody.  
Finally being able to go to a rest room of the precinct, she noticed the brownish stains on her jeans.  
_Fuck_, she thought.  
There was no way she could get them out now that they had obviously dried.  
If she could just go home fast enough, maybe no one would notice.  
When she had made up her mind to basically run out to her car, her phone vibrated. It was Maura, asking to see her in her lab.  
There was no way she could go home now. She would never ignore Maura again.  
She tried her best to convince herself that her friend wouldn't notice before heading down the stairs, hoping to get a few more seconds to think that way.  
It was then that the brunette noticed the stinging on her thighs.  
Her work had taken her mind away from the pain, but now it was undeniably there.  
Slowly she entered the lab, to see the blonde doctor sitting in her bureau.  
She opened the door.  
"Hey Jane I just wanted to", began Maura while turning towards the detective. "What's wrong?", she asked.  
Jane began to panic.  
How could Maura know that something was wrong? She couldn't.  
"Nothing", she answered way to late.  
"Don't lie to me, Jane" said a slightly hurt doctor.  
She couldn't understand why her friend would lie to her. She had always been there for her and she was worried.  
She got up from her chair and went towards Jane, who took a step back to keep some distance between them.  
She did that move subconsciously and knew as soon as she had stepped back, that it was the worst she could have done. Now Maura knew for sure that something was wrong.  
The doctor, who decided to leave Jane some privacy, tried to make sense of her friend.  
She clearly wouldn't tell her about whatever was bothering her, so Maura eyed her friend up and down, to find at least some hints.  
Seeing the stains on the jeans, her eyes went wide.  
"Jane, what's on your jeans?"  
How could Jane possibly answer that? Realizing that she had no explanation, she tried to act surprised by what was visible on her clothes.  
"What? Oh my god, where did these come from?"  
She failed miserably.  
"Is that blood Jane?" Maura was really worried now.  
"I thought you never guessed" said Jane, hoping to make her friend lose focus on the stains.  
Seeing the worried look on her friends face, she said "Listen Maura. I don't know where they came from. I bet they are from the suspect. You know, I had to tackle him down. Why did you call me down here anyway?"  
There was silence filling the room for a few more seconds.  
Maura finally decided to drop the subject, she would get her answers later.  
"I wanted to ask if we could have movie night at yours tonight?"  
That was actually not what she had called Jane for, but since she had her plans on investigating, it wasn't really a lie. "Sure" Jane said, her mouth dry.  
"Just give me an hour or two, can you bring food?" Maura nodded.  
It would be one hour.  
Jane was obviously hiding something, and the doctor wouldn't give her too much time to destroy evidence.


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own the characters.  
I know the chapters are really short, but I promise they'll get longer and also I will upload more than one chapter each day to make up for the shortness.**

Finally home, Jane threw her jeans into the washer, where still only her pyjama shorts were lying.  
Even though there were only these two items in it, she started the machine, hoping the stains would be removed on both.  
She was nervous about her friend being there with her, knowing something was going on.  
Realizing she wouldn't have too much time she decided to clean heself up.  
She then redid her bandages, hoping they would be enough this time.  
Time had gone by fast and she had just put on her baggy pants when the doorbell rang.  
Maura was stunning as usual, dressed in a light blue dress, chinese take out in her hands.  
They quietly sat down on the couch and turned on the tv while eating.  
When they had finished Maura decided she would try one more time to get her friend to talk.  
"Jane, whatever is bothering you, you know you can tell me, don't you?"  
The brunette nodded in response.  
"Whatever it is, it's safe with me. I can tell there's something going on with you."  
As much as Jane wanted to tell Maura all her secrets in that moment, she knew she'd regret it. Who would want to be friends with someone who did what she did? "Listen Maur" she began. "I don't know what you see in me right now, but I guess whatever it is, it's just there because I, I... well, I have my period."  
She herself noticed how ridiculous she sounded, and even Maura raised her eyebrows.  
"You don't have to tell me" she said quite snappy, regretting it immediately.  
To make up for her harsh tone, she put her hand on Jane's thigh.  
Jane flinched at the contact. She tried to suppress the wince that was building up, but she failed.  
That was it for Maura. If Jane wouldn't tell her, she would find out through other ways.  
She got up and excused her to the bathroom.  
While the blonde was away, Jane thought about ways to get out of this situation.  
After an internal debate she called out "Maura, I think I need some time on my own. I hope you don't mind, but I would like you to leave now."  
No answer was given.  
Maura was busy in the bathroom, searching for a bin or something like that. When she finally found the tiny box in one of the cupboards, she breathed in deeply before opening it, and when she did, she felt her stomach drop.  
Leaving the box open, she searched through every box there was, finding more and more evidence of what was obvious.  
When she found the razor blades, she decided it was time to confront her friend.


	4. Chapter 4

**Characters are not mine  
I hope it's easier to read now, if someone wants me to edit the previous chapters please tell me.**

After what felt like an eternity, Maura entered the living room again, her face pale. She held up one of the bloody bandaged she had found.  
"Jane, we need to talk".

Jane felt like puking.

No, she didn't feel like puking, she really had to. Getting up she ran towards the still opened door, Maura following her. While Jane passed the food she had just eaten into the toilet, Maura hold her hair back, saying soothing things. When Jane was finished, she got up to get her friend a glass of water.

As she re-entered the room, she saw Jane curled up on the floor, crying. Sitting down next to the brunette, she held the glass out for Jane to drink. "Here, you need some hydration now" she said as calmly as she could.

Jane had never felt this vulnerable in her entire life.  
"Go away" she sobbed, hiding her face in her hands. But Maura didn't go away.  
Instead she began stroking her friend's back, asking her to look at her.

"I don't want you to see me like this" Jane cried. "Just go away."  
"No." was all that Maura said before standing up and pulling Jane with her. Even though the detective protested, the smaller woman got her into her bedroom and sat her down on the edge of the bed.

Jane was screaming at her to leave, to go home, but Maura knew that she was trying to push her away so she wouldn't see her this broken. She knew Jane secretly needed her.

She searched for a shirt and shorts she could wear to bed and changed. She then forced the detective to lie down and put the covers over both of them. Jane didn't calm down.

She was sobbing loudly, trying to push the blonde away physically. Both of them knew that Jane was in some kind of panic attack. There was no way she would act like this being totally herself.  
"You don't have to be strong tonight" Maura tried to get to her best friend.  
"Please let me be strong for you" she said while taking Jane into her arms.

"You are safe with me" she whispered. "Just let me be with you, ok?"  
Jane finally relaxed a little bit into Maura. Her head found its way to the crook of Maura's neck, her arms both hugged the doctor's waist. Maura held Jane tightly, one arm around the brunette's back, her other hand stroking the unruly hair.

She held her friend through her breakdown for hours, before Jane finally fell asleep.

When Maura was sure her friend was sleeping deeply, she allowed herself to let the tears she'd been holding fall. It hurt her to see her best friend this broken, especially since Jane always appeared so strong. She tried her hardest not to think about the bandages and razors she had found earlier. She wouldn't guess about what Jane did and why she did it, she would wait for Jane to tell her in the morning, when she was hopefully better. She made a mental note to call them both in sick in the morning, giving them time to talk.

Pressing a gentle kiss onto Jane's head she closed her eyes and tried to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Characters are not mine**

When Jane woke up, it was already bright outside and in her bedroom.  
Her head hurt and her mouth was dry.  
Slowly the previous evening came back into her mind.

"Shit."

As soon as she had said it, she heard a soft knock on the door.  
Hiding her face behind her hands she waited for Maura to enter the room.

"I called us both in sick" was the first thing the blonde said.  
She then sat next to Jane, careful to leave enough space between them, so the brunette wouldn't feel trapped.  
"I brought you water" she said gently. "I'm sure you are dehydrated after this night."

Jane slowly let her hands drop and took the glass off Maura, not looking at her friend. She took a few sips, but noticed immediately that her stomach felt like she was going to throw up again.  
She was nervous like hell.

"Listen, Maura" she began. "Can't we just forget what happened?"  
She spoke so silent, so pleading, it broke Maura's heart all over again.

"Jane, I'm sorry that I had to find out this way. But I promise I don't judge you, I will never judge you."  
She took one of Jane's hands into her own.  
The brunette broke the contact abruptly.

"You won't judge me?" she asked angrily. Maura was taken aback by the anger in Jane's voice.  
Had she said something wrong?  
"How can you even look at me?" Jane's voice was dripping with disgust.

It dawned Maura now, that the anger wasn't directed at her. But how did Jane dare to think about herself as disgusting? Now it was Maura's voice that broke the silence quite forcefully.  
"THAT is why we can't forget it."

She got up to kneel down in front of her friend.  
"Jane, I know you want us to act as if I never knew, and I promise we will do just that."  
Jane, who was trying to avoid Maura's eyes the whole time, now looked straight at her. Hope was shining in her eyes.

"This won't change our friendship?"  
Maura shook her head. Jane let out a sigh of relief, even though she didn't trust her friend completely.

"But I need you to do two things before I can go back to normal."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Jane tensed up again immediately.

Maura promised her to start with one thing and let Jane time to go through with it. Jane had agreed.  
"So", she said self conscious. "What is it?"

"I need to look at your thighs."  
Jane's mind went blank.  
"No. No!" she said. "Why?"  
Maura sighed. She had known this would be hard.

"Look at your pyjamas Jane."  
Jane did as she was told. _Fuck_. Her pants were again bloodstained.  
"Jane. You are still bleeding. I think you might need stitches. Please let me look at them. I will just give them stitches and then we never talk about it again."

Jane just shook her head no.  
"We can do this the hard way" the blonde threatened. She didn't want to push her that hard, but her safety was priority right now.  
"What's the hard way?"  
"I'll take you to the nearest hospital, where they will make you talk about it to strangers."

After some time of silence Jane still seemed unsure of what to do.  
"What are you so afraid of?" Maura asked. "I've seen wounds like these before and I have stitched you up multiple times."  
Jane finally talked. "It's not about the wounds."

Maura was confused now. Jane noticed and began to explain further.  
"It's not about the wounds, it's... well, it's about the scars, ok?"  
Maura didn't understand. Jane groaned.

"I haven't been doing this-" she pointed at the stains "-for the first time. I don't want you to see how often I did this. I don't want you to judge me."  
There were a few tears running down the detective's cheeks. Maura brushed them away.

"Do you trust me?" she whispered. Jane nodded.  
"Trust me now."  
Jane knew that Maura was right. There was no reason not to trust her. It was too late to go back now anyway.

Jane carefully pulled down her pants while Maura was still kneeling in front of her.  
To her surprise, Maura kept looking at Jane's face, not her legs.  
The brunette undid the bandages, but still Maura was only looking at her face.  
"You can look now" Jane said shyly.

Maura took Jane's face in her hands and kissed her forehead before looking her straight in the eyes and whispering "Thank you.".  
She slowly lowered her gaze, until she reached her friends thighs.  
They were red from irritation and covered in fresh gashes, red marks and already pale scars.

_Oh Jane,_ Maura thought, noticing that the oldest scars were at least one year old.  
Jane obviously felt uncomfortable under her gaze, so she focused on the fresh cuts, being as quick as possible.

"You need stitches on three of these." she said without any emotion showing. She had gone into her doctor mode. The blonde got up to pick up the supplies she needed from the bathroom. She kept them at Jane's since Jane got beaten up quite often.

When she returned with the box of tools in her hand, the brunette was crying.  
Maura decided not to react on it, fearing Jane would lock up again.  
While she proceeded to work on the wounds she explained what she was doing and how Jane could see if she needed stitches.  
When she was finished she bandaged her friend up again.

After putting the box aside, she sat on the bed next to Jane and took her into her arms.  
"I've never felt so helpless and vulnerable in my entire life" the detective sobbed.  
"You've been so brave Jane" Maura tried to soothe her. "It was so brave of you to let me do it."  
She combed Jane's hair with her fingers.


	6. Chapter 6

**Characters are not mine.**

When Jane had calmed down again, she asked "What is the second thing I need to do?" Maura looked at her seriously. "Answer some questions." Jane winced. "Jane I need to know some things." "And if I don't answer them now you won't stop asking them until I do, will you?" Jane completed Maura's sentence. Maura didn't react.

"Ok, I'll do it" Jane said. "Just please write them down. I couldn't stand hearing you asking them." Maura didn't understand, but she would do it anyway. She needed answers. Quietly she wrote down every question on her mind while Jane was fidgeting. "Are you writing a novel or what?" She was more than nervous. She was feeling sick again.

Finally Maura thought she had everything together. "How would you feel the most comfortable?" Jane decided on staying in bed, but having Maura sitting behind her, so she didn't feel like she was being stared at. Plus she wanted to be held by her best friend. It was hard for her to admit that to her friend, but she knew what was to come wouldn't be easy at all and she just felt so safe in Maura's embrace.

The mattress shifted as Maura got behind Jane. She sat with her legs crossed and pulled Jane back until the brunette was basically sitting on her lab. She ran her hands up and down her friends arms and then closed her arms around the other woman. Realizing that this posture was rather uncomfortable, she rocked them both back until her back hit the headboard.

She pressed Jane against her one more time. "It's just me Jane." Jane breathed out loudly. "That's the problem, Maur. I don't want to lose you. You are my best friend." Maura sighed. "Yes I am. And that's why you won't lose me." She handed Jane the paper she had prepared.

Jane read the questions out loud. "One. Are you suicidal?" _I just need to know. I couldn't live without you,_ Maura thought. Jane shook her head. "I am not. I promise." Maura nodded in relief, tears building up in her eyes. "Two. When did you start?" Jane shivered slightly. "You won't like the answer, I guess." she said, her voice breaking.

When Jane didn't go on, Maura encouraged her. "I've seen from the scars, that it was definitely more than one year ago." A tear rolled down her cheek. Jane nodded. "It was after I shot Doyle." When the words arrived at Maura's brain she inhaled sharply. She hadn't been there for Jane. She could have stopped her. "It's not your fault." Jane said, sensing her friends guilt. "I haven't been there for you." Maura whispered. "No! Please, Maura, let me get through all of these." she pointed at the questions. "You couldn't have done anything." Maura tried to stop the tears. She had to be strong until Jane was done.

"Three. Why did you start?" "It isn't that easy" she said while some tears were slipping. "It's ok." the blonde reassured her friend. "I was just wondering if there was a specific situation that triggered it." She couldn't help but feel like she was the reason. It was her who pushed Jane away after all.

"I had... gosh this is so hard." Jane started. Maura pulled her even closer. "I had a nightmare. About Hoyt and when I woke up I was crying and I couldn't stop thinking about him and my hands hurt like hell. I took pain meds, but they didn't work. I remembered something I read once, I think it was actually meant to be funny, about how you can make headaches disappear by hitting your thumb. So I thought it might work for myself, too. I took a knife and cut my calve. It wasn't deep and it didn't really hurt, but my hands felt better instantly. So I cut again. And I felt better overall with each cut I made."

The feeling of guilt kept getting stronger. Jane had always called her when she had had a nightmare. Why hadn't she been there that night? Why had she been so selfish?

"Four. What does it do for you?" She breathed in deeply. "Like I said, it helps me to get rid of pain. I often have nightmares that leave me with headaches which don't go away with pills. I spend nights lying awake because my thoughts are racing. When I cut myself, the aches go away and my mind calms down. It's like a comfortable silence. It allows me to sleep. When I am stressed because I can't solve a case, it helps to relieve it and it helps me to focus."

There was a moment of silence until Jane went on. She realized that Maura wouldn't say anything until she was done. "Five. Is it a form of punishment for you? No." She couldn't help but notice how good it felt to talk about all of it. It was like a weight being lifted from her shoulders.

"Six. Do you think you suffer from depression? No. I keep having nightmares and sleepless nights though." She wondered when the regret would set in. "Seven. Have you talked to anyone about it? No. No one but you now." Why hadn't she? It felt so good right now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Characters are not mine.  
I know Maura is a bit out of character (at least I think so), but that has its meaning and is going to be explained later in this story**

"Eight. How do you feel while you do it?" Should she really open up that far? Jane counted her feelings while she cut to her most private things. But it was Maura, and she would have to tell her sooner or later.  
"I feel bad" she began while tears started to fall again. "I hate myself when I do it. I feel disgusting. I feel worthless. These feelings last for a few days."

She felt Maura sob behind her. It wasn't long until she noticed the bigger growing wet spots on her back. Maura was crying. Violently. She turned around, hugging the blonde to her chest. She didn't know what to do. She felt helpless. Why was Maura crying? Was is something she had said? Or was she giving Maura the impression of being the reason for all of this?

"Don't hate yourself Jane. Please don't hate yourself." The blonde sobbed.  
"I just can't help it."  
"Please" Maura begged while looking pleading into Jane's eyes. "Don't hate yourself when I love you so much." Jane was startled. Maura couldn't mean what she had said. She was Maura's best friend, surely the blonde had just meant it in a platonic way. She couldn't really love Jane the way Jane loved her. Maura was stunning. She was beautiful and smart and adorable and so much more. And Jane was just Jane.

"There's nothing to love about me." She whispered. Maura placed her hands on each side of the detective's face. Her face was tear stained, her eyes red, but they held a huge amount of emotions. "Don't you dare insult my Jane the way you just did. Don't say there's nothing to love about you while I love you the way you are. You are not disgusting. Do you hear me." She slightly shook Jane's head. "You are perfect. You are wonderful. You are my best friend. You are the only friend I've ever had and I love you so much. Even though I know you don't believe so, you are worthy of a happy life. You are worth being loved. You are worth so much more than you think you are." Maura had never imagined telling Jane she loved her that way. But it just felt right. She had to make her friend see how amazing she was, how amazing she was to Maura.

Jane looked away from the blonde. "Not since I do this" she placed her hand over her thigh.

Never in her life had Jane Rizzoli expected to be hit by Maura Isles.  
Her friend's hand hit her hard and she could just stare in shock. Maura was now screaming at her. "Jane Clementine Rizzoli! You showed me what loyalty is. You showed me how it feels to be loved. You showed me what family means. You always stood right beside me and protected me. You saved my live numerous times, in multiple ways. Without you, I would maybe live, but I wouldn't be alive. I owe you everything. I love you for all of this. And you harming yourself doesn't change anything." When she had gotten everything out she finally calmed down.

Seeing the red mark on Jane's face her eyes went wide in shock, matching Jane's. "Oh my god, I'm so-" before she could end her apology Jane stopped her with her lips. The brunette kissed her hard and after the first moment of shock Maura responded hungrily. It wasn't long until Jane pushed the doctor back, landing on top of her. When her thighs made contact with Maura's she yelped in pain. That brought Maura back to reality.

They looked at each other just as shocked as before. "Can we-" Jane started. "Can we forget _that_?" She knew she had meant that kiss, she wasn't so sure about Maura. Even if Maura felt like she did, they had more important things to deal with right now. Maura seemed to think the same, at least she nodded yes. They just looked at each other for several more minutes, before Jane picked up the questions again.

"Nine. Why haven't you told me? First of all I was, I am, ashamed. Then I guess I was too proud to admit it. I mean, Detective Jane Rizzoli would never hurt herself. I was afraid it could change our friendship. I was afraid you'd judge me, that you wouldn't want to spend time with me anymore. And I was so scared of losing you, because you are my best friend. You are more than just that. You're my everything Maura. I didn't want to get you involved. Hell, I didn't want you to see me like this because I thought you would think less of me. I can't live without you by my side." Jane looked down at the list. That was the last question. She had done it. And it felt oh so good. Still the feeling of shame and disgust against herself lasted. Opening up completely to someone was nothing she had ever experienced, and she felt small and helpless. Yet it felt so good.

"Thank you Jane." Maura said gently. "Do you want to go back to normal right now or am I allowed to hug you one more time?" Jane scooted closer to the blonde and opened her arms.

They spent about an hour crying into each other and holding the other one, overwhelmed by the trust and safety they found in their embrace. When Jane's stomach grumbled, they decided to get up and eat something. Before Maura left the bedroom, and Jane in it, they silently agreed that none of what happened during the previous hours would ever be mentioned again. No more talking about Jane's self harm, no more crying about the subject, no more long hugs, no more confessing love and no kisses. Maura only hoped that Jane knew she could seek comfort in her any time, and that Jane would come to get stitches if she needed them.

When Jane entered the living room wearing her usual clothes, she noticed Maura was still in the bathroom. She picked up a sheet of paper and a pen and began to write.


	8. Chapter 8

**Characters do not belong to me.  
This one's a rather short one again.  
What was Jane writing? Soon we'll know.** **All I can say right now is that we'll have another dramatic talk about feelings following.**

Maura needed some time to put herself back together. She put on the dress she wore the evening before. She couldn't help but look at the drawer with Jane's blades again and again. If only there was something she could do. She decided to think about ways the next day.

She hadn't planned on staying the night, so she didn't have any make up with her. She would need some though, so she used Jane's instead. It wasn't as good or fitting as her own, but it was something. She observed her face in the mirror. Her eyes were red from crying and her lip had a small wound. Jane must have bitten her when they kissed. The kiss. Maura forced herself not to think about the kiss. Quickly she finished her make up and hair.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Maura looked stunning. Even though you could tell she had been crying she looked beautiful.

They decided on going out to eat dinner; they had spent the whole day talking and Jane didn't really have food in her apartment.

They quickly noticed that things wouldn't be like before again. Maura looked at Jane lovingly, something she had tried to suppress, but now she knew she could without confusing Jane or giving her feelings away. And Jane couldn't keep her hands off Maura, constantly seeking contact. They ended up holding hands the whole evening.

Even though they had taken Maura's car, Jane insisted on driving the doctor home first. She still had some things to do. Maura was suspicious, but decided to give Jane some privacy after that day of opening up. They pulled up Maura's driveway and both left the care. Jane reached out to lock their arms. "What are you doing?" the blonde asked. Jane smiled. "Walking you to the door." They reached the door way too early.

"So" Maura began. "Things aren't like they were before..." "I guess." was Jane's answer. "That doesn't bother you? I thought that was what you feared the most." She avoided Jane's eyes. She had promised to be just like before, and she didn't keep that promise. Jane chuckled a little bit. "I was afraid that I might lose you. Look at us. I feel like I have more of you now, so it doesn't bother me at all." Her words caused Maura to look up, but they didn't convince her.

"Look" Jane thought about what to say for a moment. "When you found – when you found out yesterday, I thought I would lose you, lose our friendship. But you stayed. You made me talk about it and I have to admit that it felt good, like a weight being lifted off my chest. And even though I thought I would scare you away, you stayed after I told you about everything. You told me that you loved me, and that you still do. I know you can't lie. And hell, you hit me Maura. Today both of us opened up, I would have been confused if it didn't change things." Maura was even more confused now.

"I was afraid I might lose you. You are still here. You don't judge me. You don't think any less of me. That's all that matters right now." Maura nodded. She was relieved that Jane wasn't angry at her. "Thank you Maur." Jane said, before leaning down and placing a gentle kiss on Maura's lips. Before Maura could say anything, Jane turned around and left.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Work started as usual the next day. That was until a man entered Maura's bureau around noon. In his hands he held a huge bouquet of flowers and an envelop. "Are you Dr Isles?" He asked. "Yes" she answered confused. He handed her first the flowers and then the envelop, wished her a nice day and left. Maura was startled.

She placed the flowers on her desk, smelling them. They smelled like Jane. She then took a closer look at the envelop. _To Maur._ There was a post-it next to her name. _Hope you like the flowers. Open and read at home. Come over for dinner tonight? -J_

Maura smiled. As curious as she was about the letter Jane wrote her, she would follow the instructions and open it when she was home. She didn't see much of Jane that day, and she finished her work quite early, so she decided to go home and get ready for dinner with the detective.

Once home she sat down on her couch and opened the envelop. She found a handwritten letter.


	9. Chapter 9

**Characters are still not mine.  
We'll finally see what Jane wrote**

-Once home she sat down on her couch and opened the envelop. She found a handwritten letter.-

_Hey Maur,_

_I've never written a letter before, so please excuse if I do things wrong. __I wanted to thank you again for yesterday. Actually that's not the truth. I want to thank you for being you. _

_You know that I usually don't talk about my feelings. I don't know if you know why, but let's just say I've been hurt before and I never had someone to talk to. __The last year has been hard for me, and I feel dumb for believing you could hurt me. __But I did, and I want you to understand why. _

_When I first started, you weren't there as my friend. I don't blame you for that, I wasn't there for you as well. It was a hard time for both of us. __If I were you I would have been more than mad, too. __So it's NOT your fault that I started what I do. It had nothing to do with you. __Please don't feel guilty, because I know you do._

_When we first started working together, I thought you were cold and weird. But the more I got to know you, the more I realized that it was your way of protecting yourself from getting hurt. __You pulled away from everything, I covered my fear with sarcasm. __I know you had to endure a lot before I realized we were alike. __I'm really really sorry for that._

_Still then I thought we could never be friends. You were this amazing, beautiful, feminine, smart and rich doctor, and I was me – a messy, unattractive, loud, swearing and poor detective. As much as we were alike emotionally, we were different in every aspect of our lives. __I don't know why, but you stayed with me. And this friendship developed. This friendship is the best thing that has ever happened to me._

_I can't deny though, that I soon started to have thoughts that were inappropriate for friends. I kept them to myself all this time, because I was afraid that I could lose our friendship. I kept it to myself all this time, because our friendship was more important to me than my feelings. __That's also why I never wanted to go on dates btw. __I never even talked to you about liking a woman like that, because I was afraid it might offend you. _

_After I shot Doyle I thought I had lost you. __And for the first time after Hoyt I tried to do the same thing you always do: push everyone away. __So when I started you know what, I didn't even think about telling someone, especially not you, since I thought I had already lost you._

_But then we stopped fighting and I was so happy to have you back again, that I was afraid to lose you all over again because of what I do. I lost Casey that way. __That's why I never said anything about it._

_When you found out, I had a panic attack, because I thought for sure I'd lose you all over again, but never get you back this time._

_I searched for people who do the same as me on the internet. All I found were teenage girls who talked about their family and friends thinking of them as crazy for doing it and blaming them for ruining their lives. __I was so afraid that you could blame me for ruining your life. __I was so ashamed of what I do, because obviously it is a teenage thing and such a wrong thing to do._

_When you held me that night I was convinced you would just do it out of pity. __When you promised me that we would go back to normal I still thought I was going to regret showing and telling you. __I was convinced you would see how often I did it or hear something that you found disgusting and leave. Or be different afterwards. __But then you stitched me up. And I don't mean just the wounds. You stitched me up, you gave me hope. Hope that it wasn't that bad after all._

_When you wrote down your questions I thought I would break apart again. __You have no idea how nervous I was. __I thought you'd ask things like why I did this to you. __But you didn't. Your questions actually showed that you care for me, I guess._

_The way you pulled me onto your lap and the way you hugged me to you – I could have stayed like that forever. __With every question I answered I felt better. I was sure the regret would come at some point, but I felt like I could tell you everything that moment. __When I should tell you about how I feel when I do it, I really struggled. I thought I couldn't do any more harm to our friendship, so I decided to tell you the truth._

_It will be a long time until I am going to be able to believe what you said. __I hope that you will deal with my needy self until then._

_When you called me YOUR Jane, I felt like I died a little bit inside. __All I ever wanted to be since I got to know you was being yours. __Still I thought you wouldn't want me after what I had done. __You told me you loved me, but I was sure you meant that in a platonic way. __How could you, the amazing Maura Dorothea Isles, reciprocate my feelings?_

_And then you hit me. Holy shit, Maura, you hit me. __I guess I needed that. It made me remember that we are so much alike on the inside. __It also was quite hot to be honest. __You screamed at me and all I wanted to do was erase the discomfort I had caused. Why else would you scream at me? __I wanted to make it all go away. __And then you looked at me, eyes red and swollen, cheeks red and your mouth slightly apart. __I just had to kiss you. I'm sorry for the bite though. I really am. I didn't mean to hurt you._

_Holding you and having you holding me afterwards was the greatest thing I've ever experienced. I felt like we were equal in that moment._

_When you were in the bathroom, I realized I didn't want to go back to before. __I want to be held by you when I'm breaking. __I want to be touched by you when I need comfort. __I want you to touch me all the time, because I feel so safe when you do. __And I want to be there for you the same way._

_I started writing this letter then._

_The way you behaved last night showed me that you didn't want to go back either. __I kissed you again because I just like it. __I want to do it for the rest of my life. __But I also know that this isn't the time to start a relationship. __I'm broken, and from now on you are breaking with me. I'm very, very sorry for that, but I can't change it. I never wanted to get you involved, but you chose to. __I hope that we can recover together. I know I can't do it alone._

_And I know that we won't start a relationship until we are both ok again. __I promise you that I won't try before I'm well again. You deserve only the best of me, if I deserve you at all._

_I will ask you though, could we be a little bit more intimate than best friends usually are? __Can I hug you whenever I need a hug? __Can I cry in your arms whenever I feel like crying? __Can I hold your hand whenever I need support? __Can I kiss you whenever I need to reassure that you are real? That you are still here? __And by kiss I mean what we did yesterday at your door. Nothing too deep, nothing too hot, just something small but meaningful?  
__  
It's really hard for me to admit I need all of that, but I guess I need to open up about everything to you. __I know what I'm asking is a lot. And it's not fair to be like this to you. You deserve someone perfect, someone who can be there for you when you feel down, someone who you don't need to wait for, someone better than me.__I hope you will stay with me though._

I am yours.

_I love you more than you know,_

_Jane_

Maura held the pages in her hands, tears streaming down her face.


	10. Chapter 10

**Characters are not mine.  
****Here's Maura's counterpart to Jane's letter.**

When she turned up at Jane's her tears hadn't subsided.

Jane heard a knock at her door. She was nervous, hoping that Maura had read her letter, hoping that she would say yes to her wishes. She needed her. Slowly she opened the door. In front of her stood a crying Maura, make up smudged, hair a mess.

"What-" Jane didn't get any further. Maura stormed inside, shut the door and pressed Jane into the wall. Their bodies were completely flushed together and Maura grabbed the detective's hair. Then she brought their lips together, again and again and again. "Yes to all" she said between kisses. She then withdrew a little bit. "Under one circumstance" Jane just nodded. "I am allowed to do the same." The brunette nodded again.

Sobbing they lowered each other on the floor. Maura sat down next to her friend, entwining their fingers. They looked at each other deeply, so many emotions passing between them. "How on earth did I deserve someone like you?", the brunette whispered unbelieving. She placed her empty hand on Maura's cheek, as if to confirm that she really was there.

"I'm yours, Jane." "What?" There was no way Maura was as willing to give herself to Jane as Jane was to her.  
"I'm yours." She simply repeated. She had prepared a speech, but that could wait until later. Instead she brought their hands up and kissed every finger gently.

Tears slowly subsided and both of them calmed down again. After a few more minutes Jane stood up. Maura remained on the floor, looking up at Jane. Without saying anything the brunette went into the kitchen, checking up on the casserole she had prepared. It was about finished, so she started to set the table, noticing that the blonde watched her every move. She remembered being pressed against that wall, receiving the hardest and yet sweetest kisses. She couldn't help the warmth shooting down her body. How had they gotten to that in just three days?

She placed a good amount of food on Maura's plate when two gentle arms wrapped around her waist from behind. "Thank you Jane.", Maura whispered before letting go and sitting down. When Jane asked her if she wanted some wine she said no, wanting to do what she had planned completely sober.

They finished dinner without talking. They both cleaned up and then moved to the couch.

"Maura, I-" Jane started but was silenced by one of Maura's fingers on her lips. "I want to say some things first." Jane just shook her head. "Maura please." The look of pain on Jane's face made Maura worry. "Ok Jane, you've got my attention." Jane breathes in loudly, grabbing her friends hand for comfort. She looked down, guilt showing in her eyes. "You did it again." It wasn't a question, it was a statement that left the blonde's lips. A lonely tear rolled down Jane's face. "I'm so sorry" she sobbed. Maura pulled her friend towards her. "Don't be sorry.", she said while pressing a kiss to Jane's forehead. "It's ok."

She let Jane cry into her for some more time. "Don't you wanna know why I did it?" Maura shook her head no. "Jane. This is one of the things I wanted to talk to you about." Jane was confused. Did her friend change her mind? Was she going to lose her now? She felt another attack rising within her, but she tried to stay calm until Maura had said what she wanted to say.

"Jane this will take some time. I would like you to just listen." The brunette nodded. Maura stroke her friend's hands reassuring, careful not to touch the scars. She didn't want Jane to run now.

"First of all, since you need to know this the most, you don't need to tell me when you harmed yourself again. I feel honoured that you trust me enough, but please only do it when you really want to." She shook their hands to emphasize her point. "I don't need to know why you did it. It is your way of dealing with your thoughts. Even though I am your friend, and even though I love you, I don't need to know what you are thinking. These are the darkest sides of you, and you can share them, but you don't need to." Again tears were streaming down Jane's face. "I hope we can lighten them up together, but until you are ready for that, I just need to know when you need stitches." The brunette nodded.

"Now to the rest I wanted to tell you." She hesitated. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Seeing Jane looking at her waiting, she decided to go on. "First off all, thank you for that letter. I really, really appreciate it." She swallowed. "I understand now why you didn't tell me and I want you to know that I'm not disappointed in you for doing so. Still I feel guilty and I always will." Hurt flashed through Jane's eyes.

"I don't think I'm the reason you harm yourself Jane, but I will never forgive myself for not seeing sooner, for not being there for you. I guess that is what you called me breaking with you now. And I'm ok with that. I want to go through this with you together. You are the most important person of my life." Jane cried even harder now.

"You called yourself messy, unattractive, loud, swearing and poor. That's not how I see you. To me you are unique, yes you are loud, but in a good way. You swear a lot, but you do it to let frustration out, something I have never been able to do. You might have not as much money as me-" Jane rolled her eyes at the understatement. "-but Jane, what you are missing in money you have in love. You have a big family, you have so much love surrounding you and you have so much love to give. You don't know what I would give to have that instead of money. And believe it or not, you are attractive Jane. You are to me. And I know words won't convince you of this, so I'm planning on showing you when you are ready." Oh how she wanted to show Jane how beautiful she really was.

"I know you think I'm perfect, but I am not, Jane. I'm insecure as well. We are equal more than you think." She swallowed hard again. "I love you Jane. And I don't mean that in a platonic way. I love you. And nothing can change that. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. I wouldn't survive without you. And self harm is not just common with teenagers. Look at you. That's why adults don't open up about it to anyone. What you need to see is that you don't harm anyone but yourself. Your body belongs to you and you don't ruin anybody else's life by harming it. I won't say that it is ok to do it, but Jane, it's better than giving up. I don't know if you have realized it already, but self harm often is a way to go on. From what you've told me, it certainly is for you. I want you to find another way to go on. I want you to recover."

How? The question was written on Jane's face. "I would suggest therapy, but I know you wouldn't go. I will try everything though. I will try everything to help you recover." Thank you was mouthed by the brunette. A tiny smile formed on Maura's lips.

Jane couldn't help but notice the missing google talk. She was thankful for her friend to talk in a language she understood, but still she was confused by the unusual behaviour.

"I meant it when I said I was yours. I know you want to start a relationship when you have recovered. I am willing to wait no matter how long it will take. I also want you to know that it doesn't matter to me. You harming yourself does not define you, and that's why I would take the next step any time. But I will wait. For years if I have to. Because I'm yours. I don't want to be with someone else, I don't want to be touched if it isn't you touching me. I don't want to have sexual intercourse with anyone but you. I hope you feel the same about me. Because I'm yours. I don't want to be with anyone ever again. And I don't care if we do that as friends, lovers or wives. Because I'm yours and as long as you are mine I don't care about what we are. I love you Jane. I am yours."

Jane's mouth was opened in shock. Her eyes were wide opened and her eyebrows were raised. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. Slowly she found her voice again. "Maura Isles, did you just propose?" Maura giggled softly. "If you want it to be that. I'm giving myself to you. I wanted to say that I want to be with you as long as you'll have me. If that includes marriage for you, yes I did just propose. It's just mentally. I don't have a ring. I don't expect you to marry me. I just want to make sure we be there for each other as long as we physically can. Of course only if you want."  
Jane nodded while tears forcefully left her eyes. "Yes", she sobbed. "Yes."

She had feared Jane would run, but she wanted her to know that they were equal. They belonged to each other. "Jane, I'm moving your speed now. What do you want us to be?" "Like right now?" Maura nodded. Jane thought for a moment.

"I want us to be friends right now. Well, actually no, I don't." Maura waited patiently as Jane over thought what she had said. "I want us to be us." She finally said. "What does that mean?" "Mainly that we do what feels right and see where it takes us. I want to call you my best friend right now. I think I'm not ready for a relationship." Maura nodded understanding and reassuring. She would do whatever Jane felt was right.

"I want to be close though. I want to touch you and kiss you. Do you think we could make out without turning this into a relationship? I liked what we did when you came here." She blushed. Jane Rizzoli blushed and she wasn't ashamed. "I'd like that." Maura answered before kissing Jane gently. "I'm willing to take whatever you give. Do you want to talk about what happened with Casey? I forgot about that before."  
Jane grew extremely serious, looking away from the blonde.  
"Stay with me tonight?" She didn't want to talk about it. She hoped Maura would understand.

She got up and took Maura's hand in hers, leading her to the bedroom.


	11. Chapter 11

**Characters are not mine.  
This chapter is the introduction to some heavier and darker chapters. I try to be as realistic as I can be, and just as in real life, there will be ups and downs in this story.  
**

**I hope you are all ok out there. If you need someone to talk to, I am always willing to listen.**

Only removing her bra from under her shirt she laid back and looked at Maura who seemed to be unsure of what to do. "What's wrong?" Jane asked, fearing that Maura would have changed her mind about staying. "Usually I would change in your bathroom, but actually I don't care if you see me. Would you mind if I changed here?" The blonde bit her lip.  
"Really?" was all that left the detective's mouth.

Maura laughed. She would change in front of Jane. She didn't know why, but the idea alone aroused her immensely. Slowly she opened the zip of her dress, letting it fall to her ankles and finally stepped out of it. Jane's mouth hung open and she could swear she drooled in that moment. In front of her stood a half naked Maura, only wearing her high heels, her beige push up bra and matching panties.

She searched for the clothes she wore two nights ago, finding them still lying on the bed. After getting them she stepped back and got out of her shoes. Winking at Jane she reached behind her back and undid her bra. She let the straps travel down her arms, before letting the whole thing fall down. Jane looked like a little girl who had finally gotten a pony.

"See something you like?" she smirked. "Very much" Jane's voice was even raspier than usual, and it turned Maura on to no end. Sighing she put the shirt on, knowing that sex was out of the question at that point. Clothed for bed she slipped beneath the covers, turning so she was facing Jane. The brunette did the same.

"Maura?" "Yes Jane?" she put one strand of hair behind Jane's ear, holding her hand there afterwards. "Do you think we could have some of that make out stuff I talked about?" Maura giggled before scooting closer to her friend. But she didn't close the distance. It would be Jane's turn to take the first step.

The kiss started slow and sweet, both of them unsure of how far to go. Maura's lips were heaven against Jane's. They could have stayed like that forever. But soon enough heat rose up in both of them. Maura ran her tongue gently along Jane's lower lip and was rewarded with a moan. Ever so slowly Jane opened her mouth, allowing the blonde access.

Maura's mouth was the most delicious thing Jane had ever tasted and she couldn't get enough of her friend. She forced Maura back on the mattress, placing herself on top of her, careful not to put any weight on her own thighs. Intensifying the kiss, she let her hands run over Maura's face, tracing the bones and mesmerizing every inch of soft skin.

She broke the kiss for a few seconds. "You are beautiful, Maur." The blonde had been told many times that she was beautiful, but this was the first time she believed it. Jane placed one more kiss on those precious lips before placing little kisses all over the doctor's face.

Maura wanted to touch the brunette badly, but it was clear that Jane wanted control and she was going to get it. When the brunette was sure she kissed every spot she let her lips descend to the blondes neck, gently sucking on her pulse point. Maura felt a gush of wetness between her legs. Jane was surprised by the deep growl that seemed to come from deep within Maura. And that was when she panicked. The blonde sensed her discomfort and tried to sooth her. "Jane we can stop here if you want. We really should have talked about this."

Jane pulled back and lied down next to Maura again. "I'm sorry." she whispered. There was the wall again. The wall she pulled up every time she felt uncomfortable or out of control. For the first time she hated that wall. Until now it had been her shelter but lying next to a heavy breathing Maura she realized she had no control over it and feared it could destroy their relationship.

The blonde just pulled her friend to her, cuddling up against the taller woman. The brunette relaxed and pulled Maura even closer. "Thank you." For not talking about it. For not asking questions. For still being here.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jane woke up crying.

_She wanted to surprise Maura at her house. She had bought roses and wine and was dressed nicely. She let herself in, wanting to keep the surprise a surprise. She noticed that the lights were all turned off, so she walked towards the bedroom. The door was open and the first thing she saw were two dresses lying on the floor. Why were there two dresses?_

_She moved closer and then she heard it. Moans. Moans that were not Maura's. "Are you sure you want this?" the foreign voice asked. She saw Maura nodding breathless. The other woman smiled and moved down, taking one of Maura's nipples into her mouth."Oh god yes!"_

_The other woman moved even lower, stopping for a second time. "What about this Jane?" Maura shrugged. "She says we're just friends. She doesn't want to sleep with me. But I need sex. I need it now." And with that the woman's head disappeared between Maura's legs. A deep groan escaped Maura's body. Her hips were rising from the bed and with the sweetest sounds she came undone._

_Jane had tears in her eyes. Her heart broke. She let the bottle fall, but no sound emerged. The two other women didn't seem to notice either. Jane stepped inside the bedroom, looking at the foreign women. She was about Maura's size. Her hair was brown and soft and beautiful. Her face looked like an angel's, her lips were full and pink. Her body was curved in all the right places. Her breasts were big and full and topped with the most wonderful, rosy nipples. Her ass was shaped well and her legs were graceful. And her skin- her skin was pale and flawless. There were no spots, no wrinkles, and especially no scars._

_How could Jane have been so blind all the time? Why did she only see it now? That she was simply not good enough for Maura. And she never would be._

Maura wasn't awake. Jane sat up and watched her breathe. She was so perfect, and Jane was so broken. What did the blonde see in her? Jane kept crying, a headache getting worse. Could she while Maura was there? No, she couldn't risk being caught.

But the longing was there. The longing for release. The pressure inside her was incredible, and it threatened to rip her into pieces. She had to make it go away. She had to safe herself from exploding, the pressure growing stronger and stronger.

A few more minuted passed until she got up. She had to and she would. Cursing at the realization that her bathroom couldn't be locked she simply decided to be as quick as possible. She grabbed her tools, sat down on the toilet and began, while she was shaking and tears were streaming.


	12. Chapter 12

**I want to remind you again that there's a trigger warning on this story. This chapter can be skipped. It is a little bit graphic and very emotional, so you can feel free to just read the next one, it won't stop you from understanding the story.  
Since this chapter is rather heavy I am going to upload the next one the same time, so you don't have to stress over this.**

Characters are still not mine

Maura woke up to Jane not being in bed. She moved her hand over to the messy sheets, feeling the wetness over there. Jane had been sweating. Fear grew inside her. Jane must have had a nightmare. What should she do now? She couldn't just go and search for Jane, possibly running into what she tried to hide so badly.

Then Maura heard the sobs, and with that her heart broke. She felt guilty for not having been there for her friend and now she had the chance to be. She got up and went towards the source of the sobs.

She opened the door awfully slow. Jane didn't notice. Maura stood in the door frame, eyes closed. Taking one deep breath she opened them. She had thought her heart had broken when she heard Jane crying, but what happened to her now seriously made her wonder if it was scientifically possible for hearts to actually shatter.

After what seemed like an eternity for Maura, Jane stopped. She leaned back and calmed down slowly. Then she sighed and opened her eyes. She froze when she saw Maura standing in the door frame. "How long have you been standing there?" she asked while trying to cover up her thighs. "Long enough" she swallowed the tears that were threatening to build up "to know that there will never be another night that I'm not there for you."

What followed then was silence. Neither of them moved for minutes, neither of them spoke. When the panic had left Jane she began to think rationally. "Maura?" It was so quiet and so soft Maura had almost missed it. She nodded. "I think I need stitches." She switched into work mode. It helped her keep her emotions aside for now.

She got her tools and slowly uncovered Jane's thighs. The blood was still running and it was dripping through the towel. "We need to wash them first, I can't see where I have to work." Jane nodded. Maura pointed at the bathtub and helped her friend sitting down in it_. _Jane insisted on keeping her panties on, even though they would be wet afterwards.

The shock of Maura having caught her had cleared Jane's head. The pain was gone, what remained was emptiness. She wasn't ashamed, she didn't feel pain. In fact, she felt nothing. She thought nothing. She was empty. Of course Maura noticed, and it scared her. There was no time to freak out though, Jane was losing too much blood.

Maura turned the water on and checked the temperature until it was lukewarm. "This might hurt.", she said before gently letting a little bit of water run over the detective's left thigh. She didn't even flinch. Maura spend as little time washing her friend's thighs and judging the injuries as possible. She bit her lip. Jane wasn't going to like what would have to be done. Maura turned the water off and wrapped bandages around her favourite pair of legs. "I need to take you to a hospital. I can't fix all of those. You've cut too deep." Jane didn't even react. Maura was scared to death.

She quickly picked Jane up and carried her to her car. She fastened the brunette's seatbelt before taking her place behind the wheel and rushing to the second nearest hospital. As far as she knew they treated anonymously if wished, so that's what she wanted.

She carried Jane into the emergency unit, blood sipping through the bandages. "I need help!", she screamed. Her emotions were breaking through. A nurse came running towards them. "Please.", she sobbed. "I need help. She cuts. She cut too deep. I need help." The nurse called for backup and in a matter of seconds two other nurses appeared to help them. One took Jane out of Maura's arms. Maura immediately felt the loss. She didn't want to give Jane away, but she had to in order to help her.

Two of the nurses went away with Jane, one stayed to talk to Maura. "What's you name?" The blonde was pale. "I'm Doctor Maura Isles." The nurse smiled at her when she said she was a doctor. "What happened Doctor?" Maura slightly shook her head. "Is it ok if she stays anonymous?" The nurse nodded and said "of course.". "She harms herself. She started over a year ago. I only know since a few days ago. I slept at hers tonight. I heard sobs and went to look after her. She cut so deep."

Tears were streaming down her face, dripping onto her chest. "There was so much blood and I couldn't move until she stopped and then I washed the cuts. I stitched her up myself before, but this time the cuts are too deep. She lost so much blood." And with that Maura lost consciousness.


	13. Chapter 13

**So here's the next part so you don't have to worry too much.****  
Characters are not mine.**

When Jane opened her eyes the first thing she noticed was Maura.

"What happened?" She noticed Maura's red eyes and the stains of tears on her cheeks.

"What happened?" She asked again, more worried this time. Maura raised her hand towards her mouth, sobs escaping her. Jane let her cry for some time, trying to remember what happened. She remembered her dream, she remembered crying, she remembered cutting and finally she remembered Maura standing there. But what happened then? She didn't remember passing out.

Maura had finally calmed enough to speak. "You cut yourself Jane." Jane nodded. She already knew that but she wouldn't stop the blonde who was sitting next to her on the bed. "I woke up when you were in the bathroom and I couldn't let you do it without trying to stop you."

"I opened the door and you were in some kind of trance, you didn't even notice me." Jane stared into space. "You were shaking, you cut so deep I could hear it." Maura spoke so high pitched, Jane didn't even recognize her voice. "There was so much blood and you cut over and over again. And then you stopped." Maura had no colour in her face.

"And then you saw me and we were both in shock I think." Jane nodded. "I remember until then." Maura didn't look at her. She couldn't. It hurt too bad. "You stopped reacting. I washed your cuts and it should have hurt but you didn't even flinch. Your cuts were too deep for me to help you, so I took you into hospital." Jane tensed. "Don't worry, they treated you anonymously." Jane relaxed slightly again. But the strange feeling of sickness that spread through her whole body didn't leave.

"I had to carry you to my car because you couldn't walk. I had to carry you into the hospital. You passed out while I drove. They stitched you up and you had a blood transfusion. You lost so much blood." She was sobbing uncontrollably again.

"What about you?" Jane asked, seeing how bad her friend looked. Maura turned away. "Maur?" Maura tensed before she screamed at Jane. "YOU NEARLY DIED! You nearly died Jane!" Jane felt sick. How far out of control had she been? "You promised me you weren't suicidal." She got quieter. "I'm not." Jane said. Maura's reply was only a whisper. "You almost killed yourself tonight." That was when reality sank into Jane.

"If I hadn't woken up-" Maura's voice broke. "-if I hadn't woken up you would be dead." Tears began to escape Jane's eyes. Maura was angry, and what happened with her then was way more than anger. "You can be fucking happy that it's Saturday and you don't have to go to work!" She got up and left Jane lying in her bed. Jane needed some more time to think. She stayed in the bed.

Maura was in the living room when she yelled "And you can be fucking happy that your mother is on vacation." And then she added. "WHAT IF I HAD TO CALL HER, TELLING HER HER DAUGHTER HAD KILLED HERSELF?"

Some time of silence followed.  
"What if I had woken up in the morning and found you dead on the bathroom floor?" The blonde mostly spoke to herself, but Jane could hear it anyway.

Jane was crying. Not only because she almost died, but because she had hurt Maura so much.

Finally she got up and went towards the living room of Maura's house, spotting the blonde staring out of a window. She got up behind her, but didn't touch her. "Thank you" she whispered. "Thank you for saving my life." Maura turned around, eyes fixed on the floor.

"Jane, when you didn't respond any more, I was so scared. And there was so much blood. And then you passed out and I thought I'd lose you. When we arrived at the hospital I was convinced I'd lost you and it was all my fault. I was there but I didn't stop you. And when they took you away from me I lost consciousness. I was so scared." Jane's heart stopped when Maura told her she had passed out because of her.

"I'm so sorry Maura." Maura looked straight into her friends eyes. "Me too." She made her way out of Jane's reach and sat down on the couch. After an awfully long time of silence Maura spoke. "You had a nightmare. What was it about?"  
Jane already felt stupid for having reacted to the dream like she did. Maura noticed Jane's struggle.

"I know I said I didn't need to know what you think, but that has changed. I need to know every fucking thought because otherwise I'm going to get you into a hospital. I can't live being afraid you might kill yourself by accident."

Jane sat down next to Maura. "I need help. I will go to therapy, I promise."  
"That doesn't mean anything if you don't do it for you. I don't want you to do it for me." Jane breathed deeply. This was it. She was losing Maura.

"I'm so fucking stupid."  
"Would you mind to tell me why that is?"  
Jane took Maura's hand in her own, and Maura let her.

"I had a nightmare. About you. You and another woman." Maura already saw where this was going. "Jane", she breathed. "I had planned something special for you. I wanted to surprise you and I had roses and wine and I even wore a dress." She smiled shortly.

"I entered your house by myself and found you in bed with another woman. She was asking you if you really wanted it and you said yes. She played with your breasts. And then she asked you again, asking you about me. And you said I only wanted to be friends and that I wouldn't want to sleep with you, but that you needed sex. Then you said you needed it now." Maura's expression went from angry to concerned.

"She ate you out Maura, and you came and I was standing right next to you. And you looked so happy and this woman was just perfect. She was so beautiful, I wasn't even mad. I don't deserve you. I can't give you anything you want, you deserve."

Maura got up.  
"What are you doing?" She got no answer.  
Maura stood in front of Jane.

"Did she look like me?" Jane just nodded. There really were a lot of similarities. "I'm not perfect Jane." She looked down herself, inviting Jane to do the same. "I have scars too." She used one hand to run a finger over the thin line on her neck. "But most of them are on my soul." New tears built up.

"I always wanted to be perfect. But I am not perfect. And that is ok. It took a long time for me to accept it." Jane forced herself to look at Maura's face.

"And as you can see I have hands that are perfectly capable of pleasuring myself. I would like to have sex with you, but I can live without it. Do you really think I am that needy of sexual intercourse?" It took some time for Jane to answer. "It's just that you dated so many men since I met you, and you slept with most of them. You had one night stands so often, I thought it was important to you to have sex."

Maura could suddenly see where Jane's insecurity came from. She nodded. "I slept with these men, yes. I like sex very much. But I have never had a deep emotional relationship. I have that with you. And that is so much more amazing than having sex. I love you Jane. And you are not perfect, but I love you. And your idea of perfection isn't my idea of perfection. I want nobody else but you."

"You still want me?" The look on Jane's face and the pain in her voice were heart wrenching. "Oh Jane."


	14. Chapter 14

**Characters are not mine.  
This one is rather short again, I promise there'll be more soon!**

They sat on the couch, hugging tightly, crying into each other, holding on for dear life. They didn't hear the door open.

"Maura, I came back one day early. I thought we could have dinner toni-" There were her two favourite girls, embracing each other, holding on onto each other, both crying and sobbing loudly. "What happened?" she felt her blood escaping her head.

Maura and Jane quickly separated, trying to pull themselves back together. "Hello Angela." Maura said, smiling ever so lightly. What was she going to say now? She couldn't lie. "Did somebody die?" _Almost,_ was all Maura thought before breaking down again. What if she had to tell Angela that Jane had killed herself?

To her surprise Jane answered. "No ma. I'm sorry you had to see us like this. We-" she paused shortly. "Maura and I had some sort of fight and we got a little bit emotional I guess." Angela let out the breath she was holding. Still the pain in her chest stayed. She didn't like her girls fighting. And she had never seen either of them crying like that.

"What were you going to ask about dinner?" Maura tried to change the subject. Angela decided to play along. She would interrogate both of them later. "I thought the two of us could have dinner tonight? Have some time alone. Of course only if you want. You probably have enough to do with family dinner tomorrow."

Maura looked at Jane. She loved spending time with the older Rizzoli, but she didn't know if she could leave Jane alone for the evening. Jane nodded. "No, I would like that Angela." Both of them smiled and then Angela excused herself to give her girls some more time to talk.

"Jane I'm scared." Maura said while taking the brunette's hand in her own. "Me too." "What if I wouldn't have woken up?" Her voice broke. "What am I going to tell your mother? I'm sure she will ask me about this."

Jane remained silent. The regret was finally setting in. If she hadn't told Maura they wouldn't have kissed and then she wouldn't have written that letter and Maura wouldn't have proposed and she wouldn't have had that dream. And now Maura was going to tell her Ma. The regret was there with full force.

"Tell her what feels right for you. I understand if knowing all off this is too much pressure for you. If you feel like telling her would make it easier, you can do so." Begging wouldn't help her, and after last night she wanted to help Maura as much as she helped her. "Are you sure?" Jane nodded.

"Come on, I'll drive you home." The blonde got up and took Jane's hand. When Jane opened the door on her side of the car she froze. The seat was bloodstained. "I'm so sorry Maur." Maura got behind her and hugged the brunette's waist. "Don't be. I will let it get cleaned. I'm just glad you're still here." They stood like this a little bit longer before getting inside the vehicle.

Angela Rizzoli watched the scene through a window. She couldn't wait to talk to Maura.

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Maura had showered at Jane's and told her goodbyes. "Can I leave you alone Jane?" Jane nodded. She saw the concern on her favourite woman's face. "I'm going to be good Maura. If anything changes I'll call you." Maura was visibly relieved by Jane's promise, hoping she would keep it. The blonde pulled the taller woman close. "I love you." She whispered before kissing her gently.

After Maura was gone Jane sat on the floor crying. She was afraid of her Ma knowing, afraid of what was going to happen.


	15. Chapter 15

**Characters are not mine.  
Another short one since today is Sunday and you only got a short one earlier.**  
**Let's see how dinner works out.  
Plus we'll see what Maura did to always be there for Jane.**

When Maura arrived at her house she could see the lights on in her kitchen. Angela had let herself into the house and was cooking. Opening the door she could smell delicious food. "Thank you for cooking, Angela.", she said after spotting the older woman setting the table. Angela just smiled and then went back into the kitchen to get the food.

"May I ask you why you came home early? Not that I would mind." They had to talk after all. "I missed my children. You included." The warmth that overtook Maura made her relax. Being told she was part of the family still triggered the most overwhelming feelings. They enjoyed their dinner in silence for some time.

"Maura what's going on with you and Janie?" The doctor swallowed hard. "Jane-" She hadn't planned this conversation completely. "Jane has not been herself lately." Angela nodded. She had seen the change, too.  
"Three days ago she finally told me why." Could she really do this?

"Angela, she has nightmares and trouble sleeping. She often stays awake for nights or gets panic attacks after waking up." Angela looked hurt. She had always known this job would do something bad to her daughter.

"Last night she had such an attack and I was so scared because I couldn't help her." A lonely tear made it's way down as she remembered Jane in the bathroom. "We talked about it today, and we got very emotional. Last night I realized I couldn't live without Jane, that's why I held onto her so tightly."

Angela got up and pulled Maura into a hug. "Thank you Maura." Why was she thanking her? She couldn't help Jane when she should have. She had almost let her die. Why was she thanking her?

Angela saw the confusion. "Thank you for being there for her. She hasn't hugged anyone like that for years. You're the first one to be allowed to touch her like that. I am not allowed to do that." Maura noticed the pain in Angela's eyes.

"And now go back to her. I'm able to clean up by myself." As much as Maura tried to help Angela, she ended up in front of her own door without having touched one dish.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jane had noticed Maura had behaved funny after leaving the bathroom before she left. She didn't ask, but now she was curious. Plus it helped her calm her nerves down. She opened one drawer and one cupboard after another before finally seeing it. Maura had taken the box filled with blades.

Instead of the familiar box, there was a light orange box with darker hearts all over it. Nervously Jane took the box out and opened it. There was one single blade wrapped in a plastic bag inside. Next to it where several sheets of paper. Jane took the one lying on top and unfolded it.

_Dear Jane,_

_As you might have noticed I have taken your blades away._

_I don't want to force you to not harm yourself again, as it is proven that it doesn't do recovery any favour._

_In case you feel the need to cut, please use the blade I left._

_I sterilized it, so you can use it without the risk of infection. _

_I will give you a new one every week, so you can lower the risk even more._

_I love you,_

_M._

Jane had tears in her eyes. How did she deserve this woman? She picked up the plastic with the blade and took a closer look at it. This wasn't one of her blades. Maura must have had bought it for her. She didn't believe it. Maura was... There were no words for what Maura was to Jane.

Carefully she got the other notes out.

_Before you do it:_

_-Am I staying with you? Please come and wake me up. _

_-Am I not staying with you? Please call me or message me._

_-Am I not able to talk to you? Take one of the other notes. If they don't work please don't feel guilty and call me afterwards._

Then she began reading another one.

_I am not there for you?_

_-Take a rubber band and snatch it against your wrist_

_-Get a piece of carton and try to cut or rip it into pieces_

_-Scream_

_-Work out_

_-Throw things (be careful not to destroy anything)_

_-Draw on your skin with a pen_

_._

_._

_._

Jane didn't go on. She put everything back in the box and placed it on it's spot. She had to thank Maura. All nervousness about Maura and her Ma were gone. Calling Korsak she smiled.


	16. Chapter 16

**Characters are not mine.**

**Let's see what Jane had in mind when she called Korsak.**  
**Jane also faces a whole new challange when reality closes up on her.**

When Maura arrived back at Jane's she was nervous. And afraid. Was her detective all right? She door opened and in front of her stood a smiling Jane. The blonde let out the breath she'd been holding and stormed towards the other woman.

Arms wrapped around bodies and the mutual feeling of safety spread through both of them. Maura hid her face in the crook of Jane's head, breathing in her scent. "Maura we need to talk." "I know." She didn't move one inch. "But not here. We need time for just the two of us."

Slowly she pulled away. "What do you mean?" "I called work. We have one week just for us. Korsak is covering my work. I thought about going to one of your houses?" Suddenly nervousness spread through Jane's body. Would it be ok for Maura? Maybe she should have asked first. Maura didn't like having others doing her autopsies.

Then Maura's face lit up. And Jane felt a rush of happiness.

"What did you tell my Ma, by the way?" Maura's smile stayed. "I told her." Kiss. "That you were having nightmares." Kiss. "And panic attacks." Kiss. "And that I stayed here last night." Kiss. "That you had such an attack." Kiss. "That I couldn't help you." Kiss. "And that we talked about it today." Kiss. "And that we were so emotional because I realized I couldn't live without you." Kiss.

"I can't live without you either." Jane said. "Will you go on vacation with me?" Maura shook her head yes. "But we have to go to family dinner tomorrow."

Even through the happiness the shock of the previous events stayed buried deep within them. Curled up against each other they went to sleep.

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They woke up the way they went to sleep. Both of them still had the uncomfortable feeling in their stomach regions. They really needed to talk again about what happened. "Do you feel bad as well?" Jane asked. "Do you mean feeling sick and not having an appetite? Yes I do feel the same."

They stayed in bed some more time, looking into each other's eyes.

Maura made them a fruity breakfast, a little something they could stomach. They decided on watching a movie to pass time till the evening, so they cuddled up on Jane's couch. They fell asleep at some point and woke up with 3 hours left to get ready before dinner.

Jane went to take a shower first. Pulling down her pants she saw the bandages. Maura had told her the wounds needed to be cleaned regularly, so she undid the white fabric. Seeing her thighs for the first time after what happened she had to sit down.

Maura didn't hear the shower being turned on and after some more minutes she decided to check up on Jane.

Jane sat on the floor, eyes on her legs, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Jane." She sat down next to the crying woman. "How did I do this to me?" She asked while turning her head towards Maura. Maura didn't answer. "How could I do this to my body?" Silence remained. The blonde just didn't know what to say to comfort her friend and she wouldn't make things worse by saying something wrong.

"Maura?" "Yes Jane." "Could you help me shower?" Maura smiled. Jane was opening up to her. That was good. That was more than good.

Jane felt vulnerable, needing help to take a shower, but with Maura it would be ok. She trusted the doctor beyond belief, so a little shower wouldn't be so bad, would it?

They stood up and began undressing. Jane hesitated to take off her underwear. Unpleasant memories coming up in her head. Maura hugged her. "If you want to keep them on it's ok. But you don't have to hide from me, you know that, don't you?" Jane seemed to be frozen for some more time before nodding. Then she took her sports bra off. The panties would stay on.

The blonde couldn't help but think this behavior was related to Casey. She didn't know how, and she was sure Jane wouldn't tell her yet, but she already liked that man even less than before.

Maura undressed completely and turned the water on. When it was warm enough she pulled Jane with her. The water ran down their bodies and too soon it reached Jane's thighs. She winced. Wanting to distract her friend, Maura took her hands and poured some liquid soap onto them. "Wash me."

Jane was unsure at first, but she quickly found pleasure in running her hands up and down the blonde's back and arms. Maura turned around. Jane hesitated. A smile appeared on Maura's face as she placed the other woman's hands slightly on top of her chest. Jane was mesmerized as she touched the blonde's breasts for the first time.

She soon started to play with Maura's nipples, rubbing over them and drawing circles. Maura had her eyes closed and was breathing through her mouth. "Jane, as much as I like this and as much as I want you to go on, we need to get finished."

Jane was clearly disappointed, but went on spreading the foam down Maura's belly. She bit her lip. Should she? Maura wasn't showing any signs of wanting Jane to stop. Slowly she ran her hands over Maura's sides before placing them on Maura's ass. She began massaging and earned a few moans.

"Maura?" The blonde nodded. "I think if I go on I won't be able to stop. Would you take care of the rest yourself? I need to wash myself, too." Maura said yes.

It didn't take long for them to finish and Maura left the bathroom so they could get changed separately. She didn't want to overdo it.


	17. Chapter 17

**Characters are not mine.  
I am so so sorry for needing this long to write this.  
University started for the very first time for me, so I have only little time left.  
I PROMISE to keep on publishing once a week. Writing this story is set into my time table, so that should not be a problem.**

Before Jane and Maura can go on vacation there is still a family dinner to be held.  
Let's see what happens when Tommy is a little bit insensible and Jane is emotionally raw.

Maura looked stunning. She always did, but tonight she was extra beautiful in Jane's eyes. The only thing that she didn't like that night was the pain in the blonde's eyes. The pain that she had caused. They were sitting in Jane's car in front of Maura's house, preparing for the meeting with the whole family.

"Jane we can still go back to yours." "I'm good Maura. I did this for over a year and I survived." A flash went through Maura's eyes. "I'm sorry." The brunette didn't want to make it worse but here she was, hurting her best friend again.

"Listen Maura, we'll go in there, have a good time and then we say goodbye and go to sleep." The blonde nodded. "Jane?" "Yes." "Am I allowed to touch you?"

They should have really talked about this earlier.

"Just don't kiss me, ok?" Jane took Maura's hand in hers. "I'll probably do this a lot tonight." She whispered. "Gotta let my brothers know you are mine." Maura smiled. "You are still mine, aren't you?" Maura answered with a kiss.

They entered the house holding hands. Angela was surprised, but extremely happy to see someone touching her daughter's hands. If she remembered correctly no one had done that since Hoyt. When she looked at her girls more closely she noticed the pain in both of their eyes. She knew Maura hadn't told her everything, but she would leave the girls alone to figure things out for now.

They wanted to help, but Angela had already done everything, so the two women sat down on the couch, waiting for Jane's brothers.

Frankie and Tommy arrived together, slumping down on the couch next to them. "Good to see you two.", Frankie said. "Yeah." Jane replied "You want a beer Jane?", Tommy asked. "No thanks." It was clear that Jane wasn't comfortable talking to her family.

Both Tommy and Frankie looked at their sister in disbelief. Jane turning down a beer? That wasn't possible. Jane looked at Maura pleading. _Tell me what to say._ Of course the brothers noticed. Frankie saw the pain and was immediately worried. He looked down his sister and realized Maura was massaging her hands. Maura was massaging Jane's hands, her scars included. He wondered what was going on with his sister.

"Dinner's ready!", Angela called. They took their places, the room was filled with uncomfortable silence.

"So Maura-" Tommy broke the silence "-you still single?" Jane nearly choked. Maura thought shortly before replying. She couldn't lie after all. "There is someone I love deeply. And sadly for you I love them more than I love you." She earned a smirk from Frankie, who was proud at his second sister for using humour on his brother.

"What about you Jane?", asked Frankie. When Jane didn't answer, Tommy began teasing her. "Look at her. She will never find someone loving her this way."

Frankie, Maura and especially Angela had their mouths wide open in shock. It was clear that Jane wasn't well and yet he had said what he had said. Maura couldn't believe it. Especially with her knowledge of Jane being afraid of not being loved after what has happened.

Everyone was looking at Jane, who was crying silently. "Hey Jane, no need to cry. I was just teasing. But you can't blame me, can you? You really don't look your best." "Tommy!" Angela hissed across the table.

"You know what?" Jane stood up. "You are right." She was sobbing now. She had never cried in front of her brothers, not even as a child, but right now she didn't care. She was done caring. She was broken and everybody could already see it. A few tears wouldn't change anything.

"Nobody is ever going to love me. How could somebody? I don't even like myself, so why should somebody else?" Angela's heart broke together with Maura's.

"Listen Janie, I didn't mean it like that. It's just that I have a son, and a family would be good for you. You just don't seem to do anything to get that. It's like you're not even trying to find someone. You're my big sister and you act as if you wished you would be alone for the rest of your life." Tommy didn't know how to get out of this, but by the looks on his families' faces told him he didn't say the right thing.

"That might be because I want to be alone. I know I'm not lovable, why would I try to get hurt?" She left the table. She was sobbing loudly and went into the bathroom. Angela and Maura cried, too, Frankie and Tommy were shocked.

Maura got up to look after her friend when they heard glass breaking in the other room. Before she could enter the door swung open and Jane stormed away from her. Maura followed her into the guest room. Jane stood in the dark room, holding a piece of glass against the inside of her wrist.

"Jane put that down please." She tried to stay calm. She wasn't allowed to make a mistake right now. "Why?" Was the answer she got. She slowly walked up to Jane. "Because I love you." Jane's face turned into a grimace before she handed the glass to the doctor. "Thank you." Maura laid the glass on the bed and took Jane in her arms.

It took some time, but finally the taller woman hugged her back. They just stood there, entwined and crying, Maura stroking Jane's head and back.

From the other side of the door frame, three pairs of eyes were watching. "Dude, Jane doesn't need to search for someone to love her.", Frankie said. Tommy looked at him, not understanding. "Isn't it clear?" Frankie added. "She has already found that someone."

Angela looked at her girls. Even though they were crying they looked peaceful. She had never thought of Jane and Maura as more than friends, but having seen the two of them together today, she knew Maura would be the best Jane could ever have.

"What's going on with Jane?" Angela sighed. "Do you think she is ill?"  
Frankie hugged his mother. "Give her some time to tell us herself. Guessing won't do us any favour right now." Angela and Tommy went back into the living room, but Frankie decided to stay.

"Jane?" He asked softly. Jane and Maura broke apart. "I'm sorry about Tommy." Jane swallowed. "I'm just not myself today." Her voice was even raspier due to the crying. "I don't think it's just tonight. I just wanted you to know that I'm always here for you. And you don't have to be strong all the time. You will always be my idol. You are very loved Jane." And with that he left.

Jane spend a few more minutes in Maura's arms before they both had pulled themselves back together and decided to join the other ones again.

"I'm sorry Jane." Tommy tried. The brunette just nodded.

Angela had served dessert, and Maura forced Jane as well as herself to eat some. "Maura and I are going to go on vacation tomorrow." "That's-" Angela tried to sound light hearted but she failed. "That's great. Where are you going?" "To one of my houses. We would like to be alone and undisturbed though." It was the first time Maura had spoken to anyone but Jane that night.

The way she looked at Tommy couldn't even be described as angry. If looks could kill Maura would have murdered him in the most painful way.

After most of the food had been eaten they decided to call it a night. Jane stayed seated and just nodded her goodbyes to everyone while Maura got up. Tommy was the first to say goodbye, giving his apology again and wishing them a nice vacation. Maura hit him as hard as she could. Tommy went to shout, but Angela stopped him. "You actually deserved that.", she said.

Frankie hugged Maura, making sure she would tell Jane he was there for her.

Angela pressed the blonde against herself. "Take care of my baby. And take care of yourself too." Then she pressed a kiss to the doctor's forehead. "I will."

They spend the rest of the evening packing and driving to Jane's.

Lying in bed Maura spoke for the first time after leaving her house. "Are you ok Jane?" She was worried. At first she had just been angry at Tommy, but when Jane had stood there with the glass against her wrist, she was mainly worried.

Jane didn't answer directly, pulling Maura against her. "I'm not. But you are here with me, so it's manageable." "Thank you for being honest."

And with that they went to sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

**Characters are not mine.**

I'm sorry for not updating last week. As you all know, this is a recovery story for me as well. I had a really hard time the last few weeks and last week it was to**o much. I hope you all understand and hopefully like this chapter and forgive me for making you wait**.  
**We'll take a closer look at Jane's dream in this chapter, but I promise you that things are going to change between Jane and Maura soon.**

They got up when the sun began to light up the bedroom.

Jane was grumpy as usual, but for once it seemed like a good sign to Maura. They were still feeling sick from the shock of two nights ago, and Jane behaving as usual was a good development. They dressed in comfortable clothes, which meant baggy pants and a simple hoodie for Jane, and jeans and a silk blouse for Maura.

They got their suitcases in the trunk of Jane's car and checked the apartment one more time before leaving. Angela had promised Maura to keep an eye on the house, and so both of them started relaxed into their vacation.  
As relaxed as can be, regarding the situation.

Maura drove and Jane searched for music to listen to. Maura was surprised when very subtle notes started playing. Jane had chosen light hearted music. The blonde smiled when Jane let her head drop back and closed her eyes.

The drive wasn't very long, and also not quite short, but they finally arrived at the rather small house that was build next to a forest with no other houses in sight. Maura was thinking about letting the brunette sleep a little bit longer, as she looked so peaceful, but Jane woke up by herself.

"This is it?" She asked, rubbing her eyes. "What's so special about it?" Maura didn't understand the disbelief in her friend's voice. "It's small" Maura smiled. "I thought you would prefer that. Actually I find it more comfortable myself."

They brought everything inside and Maura showed the taller woman around. The house was nice, with only one big bedroom, two bathrooms and a kitchen that was connected to the living room.

After that she prepared sandwiches while Jane excused herself to the bathroom. When she was almost finished two strong arms wrapped around her.

Jane admired the woman in front of her. She wasn't wearing shoes and was therefore significantly smaller than Jane. Slowly she lowered her head to press a kiss against the beautiful neck. Maura had her hair up in a pony tail and Jane just couldn't ignore the possibilities. "You look cute like this." the brunette whispered.

The doctor finished the sandwiches before turning around in Jane's arm. Jane's hands were holding her hips and Maura had never felt so safe. She brought her hands up to cup the detective's cheeks. Ever so slowly she brought the brunette's face towards hers. When their lips met they were opened. The kiss was slow and wet, and it was so intimate that both women had tears in their eyes.

They didn't need to say anything. They could see everything they wanted to know in the other one's eyes. Both pairs reflected unconditional love.

They just looked at each other for a long time until Jane's stomach grumbled. "I made sandwiches." , said Maura, still not being really hungry. "Thanks Maur." Jane's voice was so soft that the blonde almost didn't recognize it.

They ate in comfortable silence.

"Do you want to relax today or do you want to start talking?", Maura asked while helping the brunette clean up. "I'd like to talk."

They were both nervous.

Maura suggested sitting down on the couch and they finally decided to sit facing each other, legs tangled. The smaller woman pulled a blanket over both of them. "Where shall we start?" "How about what happened _that_ night?" Jane asked nervously. "I'd like that. Would you start?"

"I don't know how.", Jane admitted while looking down and biting her lip. Maura reached forward to take her friend's hand in her own. "How about that dream and what you felt about it?" Jane nodded. The blonde could see the thoughts racing in the Italian head and decided to wait for her friend to find the words to say.

"Well, -", she started. "As I said I wanted to surprise you. I bought roses and one of those expensive wines you like so much. I wore a red dress, I know you like me in red." Maura smiled at her. "How did you feel about surprising me?"

"I was nervous, but I thought you would like it." She swallowed. "I let myself in, you know, since I wanted to surprise you. The lights were all turned off, but I knew you were there because your car stood outside. So I went to search for you and I figured you would most likely be in your bedroom."

Finally she looked up at the blonde. "The door was open and I looked inside. There were two dresses lying on the floor and I asked myself why it were two dresses."

Maura interfered before Jane could go on. "Why did it bother you?" "Excuse me?" "I mean, what did bother you about the dresses? Did it bother you that one of them was another person's or did it bother you that it was a dress in particular?"

The brunette thought for a moment.

"I guess it was the dress itself. You know, I never wear dresses and in that dream I finally was and you were in bed with another woman wearing dresses." She shook her head. "That sounds ridiculous. "Oh no it doesn't.", Maura said quickly. "It actually makes sense that your dreams equal your thoughts and fears. This alone shows a lot about your fears. Please go on.", she said gently.

"I looked at the bed and you were lying on it naked. She was on top of you but I didn't really look at her in that moment. She asked you if you really wanted it and you nodded. I felt pain, like in my chest. Almost like grief. Then she bend down to suck on your nipples and you said 'oh god yes'. I just asked myself why I never did that to you before. Why I wasn't able to do it. She then went lower and asked you about me-" "What exactly did she say?" "_What about this Jane? _You just said that I wanted to be your friend only, that I didn't want sex. That you needed it though and that you needed it then. I was sad, because, well, I don't know how to say this." She looked at her friend helplessly.

"Just say it Jane, it's me. I won't judge you." "I was sad because well, because I want to have sex with you Maur. I really do but I don't know how. I don't know how without being too vulnerable, without losing myself. I just can't." Maura had grown more thoughtful. "And there I was, telling someone I was going to have sexual intercourse with that you just didn't want it." Jane nodded. "Well I guess I would have been sad and hurt deeply if I were you."

"Anyway, she smiled and then went down on you and you bucked your hips up. When you came, you... you made that noise you did when I kissed your neck. I wasn't angry, I was just sad that it I couldn't do it to you. The other woman then got up and walked towards me. The two of you couldn't see me." "Tell me about her, please." "She was as tall as you, at least I think so. She had brown hair that was shiny and straight and looked soft. She had a pretty round face with perfect proportions. She had bigger boobs than me, they were full and looked soft, too. I remember focusing on her nipples. They were rather small and perfectly round and pink. She had a nice butt and a slim waist. Her skin was perfect. There were no spots, no wrinkles and no scars." The last few words were whispered.

"I was pretty sad, not because you slept with her, but because you chose to do it when I had something planned for you." They both breathed in deeply. "That's it?, Maura asked. "That's it."

"Do you want me to tell you what I see in those aspects you mentioned and how I feel about them?" Jane nodded.

Maura interpreted the dream and tried to make sure she emphasized that Jane's fear were irrational.

"To summarize what we've found out, you are convinced that you are not enough for me so deeply, that you wouldn't be angry at me for having sexual intercourse with somebody else?" The brunette looked down. "I'm not good at talking about my feelings." New found insecurity had crept its way into her mind.

"This isn't talking about your feelings.", Maura said quite forcefully. "This is a simple yes or no question." Jane nodded. "Yes. What you said is true. How could I be enough for you?" The blonde sighed.

Looking at the clock on the wall behind them she realized that is was almost evening. "How about we take a walk before dinner?"


	19. Chapter 19

**Characters are not mine.**

First of all I want to thank all of you for the kind messages, they really helped a lot!  
I also got some messages about the behaviour of both Jane and Maura, and believe me, every little detail is planned. Even if it might seem confusing or wrong, I promise it all has a reason. It might take a while to explain them all, but I feel like the little uncharacteristical lines or actions reflect my reality, and are what keeps this story writeable (?) for me. I think you know what I mean ;).

This chapter is going to contain sexual topics, but only of the nice and loving kind. Still, if you could be triggered or just don't like it, please skip the second part of this chapter (beginning at the xxxxxxxxxx...)  


The air was slightly chilly, with a good amount of wind playing with the leaves of the trees. Jane and Maura walked through the forest in silence, the only contact their interlaced fingers.

A little bit out of breath they returned to the house when it got dark outside. The walk had been a good way for both of them to collect and clean their thoughts.

Jane had insisted on showering before dinner, but wanted Maura to go first. Finally they decided to share the shower. Again Jane kept her panties on.

"What are you so afraid of?" Maura asked curiously while undoing Jane's bandages. "Hmm?", was the answer she got. "Why do you feel like you need to hide your body from me?" The brunette thought about it for a few minutes. Maura took that time to check on the cuts and stitches, seemingly happy with the healing process.

"I want to be honest with you, Maura." The blonde looked up and took Jane's hands in hers smiling. "In one week, you found out about me doing _this_, looked at my scars, got me to open up about my feelings and thoughts, saw me cry, saw me having a panic attack, watched me lose control and saved me from killing myself. I never had someone to see all of this. I feel stripped mentally. In just this one week we started touching, kissing and making out. This is all a bit much for me. I feel like my _private parts_ are the only thing you don't know about me and right now this is the only safety I got. Just in case we don't work out, I want to have one part of me that is only mine. I feel like I'm giving myself to you, and I like that, but I'm not ready to give myself to you completely. I chose between my inside and my outside. And I thought what's going on on the inside is more important for us at the moment." Her eyes were pressed shut almost painfully, fearing to be misunderstood or worse – not understood at all. She had never been one to talk about her feelings and thoughts, but she owed it to the blonde.

Maura stood up and leant down to kiss the brunette gently. She had a feeling the brunette wasn't telling her everything, but the huge amount of already given information was enough for now. "Thank you Jane. I understand now and it's ok with me." "Thank you.", the detective whispered in relief.

They got under the spray and washed themselves without really looking at the other one's body.

Jane ordered pizza while Maura was drying her hair in the bathroom. Searching for her brush -Jane had put their bathroom utensils into the drawers- she found the orange box she had left in the brunette's apartment. If Jane took it with her on vacation it had to mean that it had been a good idea. Smiling she made her way towards the kitchen once she was finished.

Jane looked out of the window, her hair still damp. Maura encircled her waist, pulling the taller woman against her. The brunette chuckled. "I love it when you don't wear heals. I mean you look damn fine in them, but I love being taller than you. Plus you look cute without them."

The doctor turned Jane around in her arms. "Is that so?", she smirked. "That's good. I like it, too. I like kissing you, but do you know what I love even more?" Jane shook her head. "Hugging you like this." They cuddled into each other until the doorbell rang. Maura went to open it.

Coming back she had a confused look on her face. "What's wrong?", Jane asked. "It's just that you ordered one rather small pizza for both of us." The doctor seemed puzzled, looking intensely at the box in her hands, trying to understand Jane's actions. The brunette smiled lovingly at the sight of her overly focused friend. "Well, I thought since both of us feel rather sick... Plus we only ate small meals today and I didn't want one of us to have stomach aches afterwards. We can order another one if you want."  
Maura shook her head no and smiled at the uncharacteristically thoughtfulness. "No it's fine. You are right."

They ate in comfortable silence before moving to the couch to watch TV. Deciding to watch a comedy they snuggled up on each other. Maura had her back pressed against the couch, her head propped on a few pillows. Jane was in front of her, her back cuddled against the blonde's front. One arm was holding her close, the tiny hand laying inches under Jane's breasts.

The movie was not one either of them would usually watch, but it was light hearted and nothing they had to think about. They didn't pay attention to the screen anyway. Maura couldn't help but notice Jane pressing her backside against her, and Jane focused on the hand drawing gentle circles on her upper stomach. They were both dressed in their pyjamas, and as much as skin to skin contact would have been nice, the thin fabric between them created a special sensation.

After the movie had ended and they enjoyed each other enough, they went to the bedroom. It had been an exhausting day, at least for Maura, who had driven them.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They had both been to the bathroom once that night, even though they went there for different reasons. Jane simply had to pee,while Maura brushed her teeth, something she had forgotten before going to bed.

Maura woke up first, as usual. It took some time to get aware of her surroundings, but soon enough she felt two warm hands on her body. Jane had curled up behind her, her head resting against Maura's shoulders. One of her hands laid on the blonde's belly, underneath the silken shirt. The other one was simply placed on her breast, gently holding it.

The blonde thought about getting up and preparing breakfast, but the temptation to enjoy Jane's hands a little bit longer was just too strong.

At some point the brunette began to stir. Slowly she woke up.

"Morning Maur.", she slurred. "Good morning to you, too, Jane", Maura said happily.

Jane had obviously not gained full consciousness, as she began groping Maura. She wondered what could be so soft and warm under her hands.

When it finally hit her she sat straight up. However she left her hands were they were. The blonde laughed at Jane's shocked expression. "It's ok Jane. Actually I enjoy it very much.", she said while turning to lay on her back. "You do?" Jane bit her lip. Should she-? Could she? She was almost sure she was allowed to, but she decided to leave the decision to the blonde. "Can I-?" She took the hand from her friend's belly and motioned at the buttons of Maura's shirt. Maura nodded.

Jane opened one button after the other, careful not to expose the blonde yet. Finally she took one deep breath before shifting the thin fabric to each side.

The view in front of her was almost too much to handle.

Maura on her back, her hair wildly spread around her head, no make up and slightly parted lips, violet silk around her pale skin and two wonderful swells topped with rosy nipples.

"You are so beautiful." Jane watched in awe as Maura's chest went up and down. "Touch me, Jane.", the blonde whispered.

Jane sat up further, before deciding to straddle the doctor's hips. She dragged her fingers from the waistband of Maura's pants up to the underside of those gorgeous breasts. After what felt like an eternity to both of them she took both breasts into her hands, realizing they fit perfectly. Then she began stroking the soft flesh, careful not to touch her nipples yet.

When she finally flicked them, Maura moaned.

Jane played with them a bit longer, earning more and more groans of pleasure. She was nervous, after all she had panicked the last time and she didn't know if she could stay strong this time. But the look of pure trust in Maura's face made her go on.

"Jane?", the exposed woman moaned. The brunette immediately stopped her gentle assault, thinking Maura moaning her name was the hottest thing ever. "I...I won't be able to last much longer without touching myself. I know you're not ready to do it yourself, but I need to get release." She hoped she wouldn't scare Jane away, but having Jane touching her breasts with that much curiosity caused an uncomfortable amount of wetness and a pounding, that begged for attention.

"Do you want me to leave?", Jane asked gently, not wanting to seem ignorant or hurt. She wasn't. In fact she was startled in a positive way by the effect her play had seemed to have on the blonde. "That's up to you. If you want to leave, you can do so, but I would like it if you kept touching me."

Jane was sure of what she wanted to do. She would stay there, it was just too delicious to see the doctor squirm and hear her moan beneath her. Not knowing how to say that to the doctor, she got up sit next to Maura, allowing the blonde access to her own center, and began touching her now favourite pair of boobs again. Maura moaned loudly. The idea of touching herself while having Jane's hands on her was already turning her on beyond belief, but knowing that exactly this would happen now caused a gush of wetness between her legs.

Jane found great pleasure in watching Maura's face while she went higher and higher. It only took a few minutes before the blonde closed her eyes, giving in to her arousal completely. Her mouth was opened widely and moans were leaving her body uncontrollably. Her face and chest were flushed red, and Jane was convinced she had never been more beautiful.

When she came her eyes flew open, a silent scream escaping her throat. She shook violently next to Jane, who gently let her fingers run up and down Maura's upper body.

Maura regained her senses rather quickly, looking the brunette straight in the eyes.

"That-", Jane began "-was the best thing I've ever seen."

The blonde smiled, still breathing heavily.

"Holy shit that was hot!"

Maura just giggled, happy Jane didn't run this time.


End file.
